Wednesday, October 12, 2011

alternatives to saying no

We receive a weekly email with parenting tips from Love and Logic. Often they are so good, I keep them in our inbox for days, to re-read a few times. One from a couple of weeks ago was particularly helpful to me. I couldn't find a link to it on their website, so I've copied and pasted it here. To subscribe to these emails, look for a box at the upper right hand corner of their home page.

Alternatives to Saying No.
Weekly Tip, Love and Logic, September 28, 2011

Give a choice and imply consequences: "Gee, I don't think that is a very good decision and I'm pretty sure it might work out poorly for you."

Suggest an alternative behavior without ordering it: "I think that if I were in your shoes, I would probably change my tone of voice rather than being asked to leave."

Ask for illumination (without using a witness stand tone of voice): "I've always wondered about what leads kids to be obnoxious. Can you help me understand that?"

Give a direct question: "How do you think this is going to work out for you?"

- Dr. Foster Cline


life without mathematics said...

Love your Book Worm! And your link to the tips is helpful....thanks for posting it. I'm feeling a bit dry and worn out with my responses lately, so some new energy might rejuvenate me.

pve design said...

I always say it is easier to boil a frog in tepid water than to toss him into hot boiling water. I think parenting is the same. If we jump to NO right away, they usually go the opposite way.
Glad you are feeling more rested and back to your old self, sharing good skills, making waffles and living another day that is just dessert.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I remember how difficult it was for me when my Grandma passed away.

likeschocolate said...

Thanks for sharing these tips. I needed them after flipping out last night on my middle schooler who was having a hard time, but wsn't listening to what I had to say.

Dina said...

thanks for these tips!

Lina said...

Thanks Lecia, this is very interesting. My two are 8 and 7 I'm trying to make the transition from "NO, because I say so!" to "Well what do you think?". Doesn't always work of course, but I think it's beginning of more independence and me trusting them enough to let go a little more!

alice c said...

You have such a thoughtful approach to parenting and I admire that. No-one is handed an instruction book with their new baby and so it is always a mixture of instinct, advice, copying best practice, remembering our own parents and love.

My son is now 21 and independent - as I read your post I tried to remember how we managed these sort of situations and I could not. I think now that our job was to feed him and keep him safe while he grew up to be the man he was always going to be. He is very different to us and some of the things that matter to him don't matter to us - I see that now. Our relationship as adults is based on the fact that we have respected the choices that he has made even if we didn't agree with them.

In the end the most important ingredients are instinct and love and you have both of those.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing the link to Love and Logic!! :)

KPiep said...

Subscribing now....after a rather difficult week.

molly said...

and now i am copying this into my own files, to read (and re-read). this is a keeper. thank you, lecia.

Anonymous said...

i am so happy i came by your blog today and found this post. love and logic offers the sensible solutions i've been yearning for to deal with the problems in our household. thank you so much for the introduction lecia!